Those with PTSD have a hard time with holidays.
Many times, spouses, friends or relatives may not realize that the Veteran has a hard time with some holidays. Expectations of having a good time celebrating holidays, can cause problems for persons with PTSD, who may be triggered by holidays or traumatic events that happened on these holidays.
In this case I use my husband as an example. When he was finally able to discuss his feelings about holidays, his remark was this: ” Christmas Day was when we landed in Korea.” This was in ’53 and the Korean War. Here it is 2010 and he finally has been able to discuss why Christmas does not mean a thing to him. He was totally devoid of any emotion whatsoever and instead would fall into a deep and lonely depression, that would last for months.
For the first 10 years of our marriage, I wondered why he showed no emotion or sentiment at holiday time; emotional numbing is the term used for this. There would be no decorations, no tree, no gifts. His persona was always somber. Although I bought something for him, he would have to be asked to open it, or would not open it at all, unless I asked him to do so. I did not understand, and it really dampened the whole season for me with there being so much quiet depressive behavior. Ten years later, I learned why.
Such experiences change the whole meaning of holidays, for the Veteran as well as his spouse and family; because instead of it being a festive and happy time, it becomes an anniversary of a trauma, and not something that one would celebrate. You may find your loved on deep in thought instead of visiting or talking with you or others. When this happens, oftentimes, they are remembering and even reliving the trauma right before your eyes, yet holding it all inside themselves. This is true suffering for them and they are in severe need of somehow finding a way to change it from such a negative into a positive, if it is even possible for them to do so.
Here are some suggestions that might help ease the holidays, for the person with PTSD.
- Focus on what you do have right now. Remembering that you are home and you are alive, and that you are with people who genuinely love you and will protect you always.
- Think about what you want the holiday to be like, instead of what it has come to mean to you since the trauma.
- Do something that you enjoy to get your mind off of the traumatic event coming into your mind; going slow and talking it over may help you see reasons you were not aware of before.
- If you are in a Recovery program, stay with it, reaching out for help, and helping others. When times are tough, talk about it with someone who you know can understand. Stay in touch.
- Change any expectations you might have. Expect people to be human and expect yourself to be human too. Be kind to yourself.
- Give yourself credit. Oftentimes the person with PTSD forgets to give themselves credit for surviving and for coming as far as they have in their recovery. Recovery is hard. Be proud of what you have accomplished even if it seems so small; it is in fact, very large in its importance. Family members can be proud too.
- Give yourself gifts. The message behind giving yourself a gift is that you are worth it! These are comfort gifts and are to make you feel comfortable and worthy.
- Give of yourself to something you value. One could help the homeless, your church, the scouts or other trauma survivors. If all you can do or afford is one can of something to eat, do it. Remembering that someone needs that food and the action will help you overcome the helpless, hopeless feeling that can paralyze us.
- Create healing traditions. Knowing that there are many kinds of trauma and many parts of us that need to heal. Perhaps you can plant a tree in memory of someone or give a book on healing trauma to the local library. Every action you take on your own behalf will empower you. It is a personal choice to do so. If others do not want to participate, that is ok, do it anyhow, for yourself.
- You deserve to recover, and one day at a time, one small step at a time, is what it will take; but you can do it.
It is important for PTSD survivors
and their families to make hope happen!
It is my hope that this article will present some different ideas
to help your holidays be different and enjoyable.
Written by: Ruth Ota, Author and Coach.
©November 14, 2010
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