What are these Agreements?
- Be impeccable with your word.
- Don’t take anything said personally.
- Don’t make any assumptions.
- Always do your best.
These 4 agreements were taken from a book written by: Don Miguel Ruiz and I have used them here to help all of us who care daily for our beloved Veteran. I will elaborate on each sentence below to help you understand why these agreements are so important; not only to us, as caretakers, but to the Veteran, struggling with civilian life.
Be impeccable with your word.
Things that our Veterans were trained in Boot Camp, increased in value when they went to actual combat. Their very survival depended on each person meaning exactly what they said to one another. The very practice of doing what they were taught in Boot Camp, only solidified and entrenched the teachings for the Veteran. There was no “maybe’s” or “changing’s of the mind,” what was said was followed without question. We must remember or at least learn, the Veteran was taught to follow orders verbatim, in order to survive combat. So, as these soldiers reintegrate into civilian life, they will respond the way they were so rigidly taught to respond. To do otherwise they would have been disciplined. Therefore, if you say you are going out for some reason, be precise about where you are going and when you will return and make sure you do just that. This not only eases their anxiety, but serves to foster trust between you and the Veteran.
Don’t take anything they may say ‘personally.’
There are times when our Veteran’s may become verbally abusive, or to put it more simply, may say something inappropriate to what is actually happening at the moment. If this happens, chances are, he is behaving in a way that he was taught, and it may have nothing to do with what is going on at the moment. At that time, something may have triggered him into reacting in a manner he had been taught, as the only and correct way to react. This is where a great deal of damage can be incurred within a Veteran’s family…without the Veteran even realizing it! It is a very important statement for the spouse and family to remember – Don’t take anything personally.
Don’t make any assumptions.
This is another ‘biggie,’ for us as caretakers. Don’t assume they understand what you are thinking or that they will respond the way you think they will respond. You must remember, in Boot Camp, they were taught to forget everything they were taught at home, those 18 or however many years they were under the roof of their parents. It is safe to say that, when they return to us, they have been changed forever, and it will be up to us, as those who love them, to learn and understand more of how they now think and may respond. It is NOT an easy transition for them to come back to civilian life…problem is…they don’t know it is going to be such a huge adjustment for them. That is why they need us who can love them through these tough tough transitions.
Always do your best.
In their Boot Camp training, they were taught to do their best. When in combat, they did just that; they did their best to uphold their teachings, promises, and to stay alive. It was expected of them and nothing less was acceptable. They cannot help but think any other way. They expected their Commanders, their Comrades, as well as themselves, to always do their best. Anything less was just not acceptable…period. They will expect this of you as well. And here is a little tip for spouses – in case you did not know – our Veterans need strong mates, who truly love them. Mates who can and will, learn how to bring the best out of them. They expect us to take good care of ourselves as well.
Written by: Ruth Ota
©2-27-2012
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