There will be times when you will be observing your loved one and you realize that when you speak to them…they really are not “in there” so to speak. You may find yourself thinking, where is he? He is so far away I cannot reach him! What can I do, you might think.
You might gently talk to him, tell him that you love him, and feel he is so very far away. You might even say, “I just want my husband to come back to me.” Sometimes this is enough to snap them out of it for the time being. All approaches need to be slow and genuinely loving. Most likely they are visiting some past experience and it is just going round and round in their head. Just maybe your addressing the issue lovingly may work.
Should your approach not work, it might be necessary to have a talk with him again and suggest the possibility of going to the VA for some counseling so he can be more present and not be suffering with PTSD. Never make him feel like he has a problem…you will get further if you just state that it is “you” who wants to go to the VA to learn how to communicate with your husband. Using this approach does not make him feel like he has done something wrong or that he is in some kind of trouble. We already know he is in trouble and it is up to us, the wives, the caretakers, to gently get him the help that he needs, but to use ourselves as the cause of wanting a visit to the counselor will most times make them feel like they would willing go with us, because they “really” do want to please us and do what is best for us. Try it and see. This is the tactic I used and it worked beyond wonderful. He now goes for regular counseling, but without resentment, which just causes more anger.
Doing this lovingly is key, because they truly do feel unlovable, but just can’t tell you, due to the male nature. It is up to the wives to be humble enough to love him into getting help. You will be glad you did, life can be happier for both of you.
Submitted by: Ruth Ota
Copyrighted 1-17-2011
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